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QUESTION:

Hello Ben.

I am writing you for a bit of advice and guidance about our 13-year-old son. Occasionally we look at his phone and flip through text messages and alerts. But we don’t do it often.

So, in an effort to be more thorough, I installed parental controls on his Mac and iPhone to monitor his online behavior. We did this because we saw an aggressive conversation he had with a friend. It was a fight, over text. And we talked about it afterwards. It was lucky that we saw it at all. Which leads me to a few questions/comments:

Do you recommend we tell him that we are monitoring his online activities? I think it might be a good idea to tell him, but I also don’t want him to feel accused of anything.

The monitoring solution we chose does not monitor texts effectively. So if my son deletes a text conversation before the backup, we’d never know about it. What do you recommend as a way to monitor text messages?

Any help is greatly appreciated.
— A Concerned Parent

ANSWER:

Dear Concerned Parent,

Yes, tell him you will be using monitoring software to help make sure he is safe!

It is a parent’s duty to make sure their kids are safe, and using monitoring tools is one way that parents can help their children be safe and help guide them to make smart decisions. Just like you will always know his passwords and look through the phone when you would like. Phones are a privilege, not a right. (Feel free to use any/all of that). If you don’t tell him and he finds out later, he will lose trust in you and may not come you when issues arise.

iOS is not the friendliest family platform. Most parental control companies are pressuring Apple to open up their platform to help parents (no luck yet). This makes finding an effective parental control if you are on iOS a challenge.

Per the deleting of messages, I told my kids that if I ever look at their phones and see deleted conversations or part of conversations, they lose the privilege of having the phone.

If you want to see ALL text messages, setup another iPad or older iPhone you may have to receive all messages. Here is how to do that:

On your kid’s iPhone:

  • Make sure you sign in with the active iCloud account you will use for monitoring (this could be a specific account for your kid or your own iCloud account). Check this account by going to the phone’s Settings. At the top, you’ll see the name of the Apple ID account user that’s signed into the phone. Tap this profile if you need to make any edits.
  • Next, go to Settings >> Messages and make sure iMessage is toggled on.
  • Now, on the same page, tap “Send & Receive,” to confirm the Apple ID is the same iCloud account.
  • Under “YOU CAN BE REACHED BY IMESSAGE AT,” verify that only your kid’s phone number and email is checked and active. (Your child’s default phone number will already be checked and grayed out.)
  • Further below, under “START NEW CONVERSATIONS FROM,” make sure only your kid’s phone number and email are checked.

On your monitoring iPhone:

  • Make sure you sign in with the same active iCloud account you used on your kid’s iPhone. Check this account by going to Settings >> iCloud.
  • Next, go to Settings >> Messages and make sure iMessage is toggled on.
  • Now, on the same page, tap “Send & Receive,” to confirm the Apple ID is the same as the iCloud account.
  • Under “YOU CAN BE REACHED BY IMESSAGE AT,” verify that both your kid’s phone number and your phone number are checked. Make sure your kid’s email is checked too and active. (Your default phone number will already be checked and grayed out.)
  • Further below, under “START NEW CONVERSATIONS FROM,” make sure only your own phone number and email are checked.

Bonus: If you prefer, you can also setup a specific Mac user to monitor your kid’s iMessages. Just create a new local user account and link it with the iCloud account your kid is using.

To prevent your kid from changing these iMessage settings, try this:

  • On your kid’s phone, go to Settings >> General.
  • Under General, scroll down and tap on “Restrictions.”
  • Tap “Enable Restrictions” and enter and confirm a Restrictions Passcode (keep this number safe and make sure your kid doesn’t know it).
  • On this page, scroll down to the “ALLOW CHANGES” section then tap on Account.
  • Select “Don’t Allow Changes.”

Best Regards,
Savvy Cyber Kids

Settings source: https://www.komando.com/tips/377843/how-to-see-what-the-kids-are-doing-on-their-phones

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